transitions, adjustments, and simple blessings

What a month of transitions August has been! I am presently making some mental adjustments even as I type this. I have worked three full weeks as a preschool teacher aide and substitute. I have worked with two different age groups in two separate classrooms. While my hours have been very sporadic these past weeks, I will settle into a permanent schedule beginning this coming Monday. One thing is for certain: I'm going to need a daily dose of Thieves oil to make it through this job. I spent my entire third week battling a pretty bad head cold and am still recovering. Thus, I am blogging to take my mind off the fatigue and stuffy nose. Even still, I am thankful for the chance to expand my experience by working with children in a classroom setting.

Earlier this month, Gungor released their much anticipated first album, One Wild Life: Soul, of their upcoming trilogy. Personally, their last album, I Am Mountain, didn't resonate with me as much as Beautiful Things and Ghosts Upon The Earth, which I still obsess over. I appreciated the new musical and lyrical styles on I Am Mountain and there are a few songs that really stay me, but overall I can't say it is my favorite. I do enjoy that Gungor is not afraid to explore new terrain and try different things, but I was super thankful to see them return a bit to their originally sound on One Wild Life: Soul. The songs are all very personal and any listener can pick up on the difficult life experiences that led to the creation of this album. I love art created from a back-breaking journey. Soul perfectly encapsulates the grief and the joy of this life. Gungor may create a lot of controversy with their music and their social media presence, but I deeply respect Lisa and Michael for their genuine hearts. In my opinion, they model a vulnerability in their faith that I rarely see among Christians. To doubt, to question, to think and say things that aren't deemed as "Biblical" in most church circles. While I don't agree with some of their view points, I appreciate that they aren't pretending. This life in Christ isn't about black and white language and clear-cut rules for life and theology. Many of us who have been touched by tragedy and the frailty of our flesh need room to stretch and to grow in the knowledge and love of Christ. None of us are assuming that we have "arrived" at the ultimate answers and, yet, we know, after all of our questions and presumed conclusions, we know He is the final answer. Thank you, Lisa and Michael, for songs like Us For Them.

Us For Them

When the lines are drawn
When you’re in or out
When it’s us or them
And we shame the doubt

It is all a lie
All we ever really need is love
There’s no need to shed more blood
Look upon the cross
Look upon the cross

See the face of Christ
See the mercy in His eyes
Every valley shall be lifted high
Now our enemies are blessed
The heavy laden rest
For His judgement is love
His judgement is love

There is no more guilt
There is no more shame
All our darkest sin
All our deepest pain

Blessed are the poor
All the lonely broken lost and torn
See a kingdom comes to us
A war that’s fought with love
Our only war is love

Prepare the way of the Lord
Wielding mercy like a sword
Every mountaintop will be made low
Know, He holds the earth like dust
And His judgement comes to us
And His judgement is love
His judgement is love

We will not fight their wars
We will not fall in line
Cause if it’s us or them
It’s us for them
It’s us for them

We reject the either or
They can’t define us anymore
Cause if it’s us or them
It’s us for them
It’s us for them

Cause if it’s us or them
It’s us for them
It’s us for them

Prepare the way of the Lord
Wielding mercy like a sword
Every mountaintop will be made low
Know, He holds the earth like dust
And His judgement comes to us
And His judgement is love
May our judgement be love

Autumn is in the air. The verdant green of the trees here aren't as lush as they were in July. I haven't experienced this sudden of a seasonal change before. Phoenix, quite obviously, only has about two defined seasons. Albuquerque definitely had four seasons, but the changes were more subtle and gradual. In Durango, this more obvious transition into Autumn is a very interesting phenomenon to me. I'm not sure if I am ready for cooler weather yet, but the change is coming whether I am prepared or not. Life is like that, too.

I spent a day picking through my in-law's garden earlier this month. Ripe berries, chunky cabbage and cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, onions pushing through the earth, and more. I took it as an opportunity to document my time harvesting the fruits and vegetables.

 

Last Sunday, Nolan and I packed up our boat and essentials and headed out to Lemon Lake. We spent over an hour on the water. The quiet was so therapeutic. I teased him as he rowed us to the opposite side of the lake. I, the princess, and he, the oarsman. I don't like to work too hard, you know. It's nice to have a husband who is your chauffeur for every activity, especially when he is as handsome as my man.

Storm clouds rolled in over the lake. Instead of returning home, we drove to Vallecito Lake and stopped in a local café for a most delicious lunch. The back of the café had large windows with a tremendous lake-view. We watched the rain move through the little valley as we dined. A perfect way to end the last month of summer.

My First Durango Summer

Tomorrow will be exactly two months since Nolan and I moved to Durango, Colorado. These two months have been filled to the brim: visits to Urgent Care, unpacking, organizing, exploring, weekend trip to Cripple Creek, my family visiting, and starting a new job this past week. I am now officially a preschool teacher aide/substitute for a local Christian school. I simply cannot fathom that it took me one whole year and three months of job searching to finally secure a job. Those who have walked alongside me know the grueling process I went through: the countless applications, the seven interviews followed by seven rejections. Albuquerque is a terrible place to go job hunting and I do not recommend it. I was glad to leave it. Applying and interviewing with no positive results is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is a constant rollercoaster of emotions and I rarely thought positively about myself. Thankfully, that chapter has closed and I am not looking back. Whether I should have or not, I carried that burden every single day of this past year and I became rather embittered about life. While I fully believed that I was capable and had something to offer, it's more difficult when it seems like no one sees the qualities and service that you have to give. The job market and modern methods of interviewing and hiring are in great need of reformation. It is poorly done these days. Thus, it takes a persistence that requires allowing yourself to be stretched far beyond your own capabilities. I have a considerable amount of empathy for those who have so much to offer and, yet, are presently struggling with unemployment or stuck in dead end jobs unable to be hired on by a better place.

Ah, but I won't vent about such things. I am moving forward in small ways and that's all that matters presently.

I would not be honest if I said I don't still struggle with anxiety, restlessness, frustration, loneliness, and bitterness. How does one even recover from such things? I do not know. Knowing Jesus doesn't guarantee a quick fix. He walks you through all of it, that much I know. And I am still shuffling my way through toxic thoughts and emotions, laying each one down at His feet, trying not to hide. My heart know He would never shame me in these struggles. His eyes are adoring and gentle. Yet, I am not always prepared to admit that these are my present ongoing struggles. I shame myself because I could not be who I hoped I could be in the midst of pain and loss. So, I linger in the past and worry about the future. You see, I am still scared. And when I am alone, I am confronted again by my own sadness. He takes my hand. One day at a time. I do not need all the answers, nor do I need to force movement or growth in myself. One day at a time.

I knew I would probably end up working with children for this very reason. When I am around kids (regardless of how disrespectful, irritating, and bratty they are), I see myself in them. I see how small their understanding is and how incapable they are of changing their own faults. I observe how often they fail and how, sometimes, they aren't sorry for their mistakes or wrongdoings at all. I am touched by their vulnerability and realize that they are worth loving, teaching, and guiding. I wonder how often I reflect one of these little ones during their temper tantrums. I know that under the guise of being an adult and having respectable every day responsibilities, I am still just like one of them in relation to my Father. I suppose I might always work with children just to keep these reminders close to heart. Somehow, I feel more capable of patience, gentleness, and grace when I am around them. Even during days when I must be strict and disciplinarian, I return home remembering my own smallness of understanding and child-like vulnerability. I remember that after all the temper tantrums and screaming and disobeying, all is well, all will be well.

My goal is to blog a little more frequently now. I have many ideas, projects, and pursuits that I hope to undertake soon. Lately, I have been finishing up our wedding scrapbook (I vowed to myself that I would complete it before our 3rd anniversary! It's gonna happen, folks!), which has been a sigh of relief to finish up. Now that I have some of my own income, I can begin to add to my photography gear (Yay for finally saving up for that beautiful 50mm f/1.4 lens!), as well as get a start on decorating our apartment and making it feel more personal and home-y. I will, over the months, blog some of these projects and ideas that have been sitting on my Pinterest boards far too long! In addition to this, Nolan and I have been trying to build a schedule or routine for ourselves, to be intentional about our time with each other. Bike rides, homemade desserts, movie night, trying out a delicious new eatery downtown, picnicking at a local lake...these are all just a summary of activities that we've been enjoying with another in our new hometown. I want to remember this season as actively being present with each other.

Despite the recent mining spill in the Animas River (a huge tragedy for the entire Four Corners region!), Colorado is still beautiful. Durango will recover, I hope, from the catastrophe. It will just take time. Lots of time. That's what I try to tell myself when I am in a flurry and attempting to rush through life. Time has been given, however short it may appear, and that time will be enough to heal, to grow, to live, and to be.