Sunday, May 28, 2017

Farewell, blogger.

"The days have been feeling ordinary and fast lately. Every moment that I begin to feel like it's all so dull or too busy, I immediately stop myself. One day, this season will be long gone and I will be pining for the past (as I have usually had a terrible habit of doing) instead of seeking to be present and, in the moment, reflect and grow in self-awareness from the past. Life seems to be passing through my hands lately so I am trying to practice gratitude. Gratitude for my husband and this calm season we have together now to explore our interests and hobbies. Gratitude for the ways we get to serve each other: him offering me a massage after a rough work day; me taking the time to talk out his frustrations with him and seeking to find a simple purpose in our days together. Usually, a cranky attitude will lead us to an engaging conversation to explore our internal processes, allowing them to float into our consciousness without judgement towards each other or ourselves. I like these moments. Revelations and peace abound! May I always remember these days."

These are words I typed on my IG a couple weekends ago. This past month has involved some introspection for me. Much of it has been spurred by the news I received during my recent Phoenix trip of my guitar instructor/mentor's passing last year. I haven't ever experienced a death that near before. While he and I weren't close in the same sense as my relationship with my parents, it was a close enough relationship that I felt comfortable calling or emailing him to meet for lunch on occasions. He directly influenced me for the 9 years I took guitar lessons with him and even after. All this to say, his death really brought near the reality of the brevity of life. With his death, that gap between my childhood and adulthood seems to have further widened. I feel it every time I return to my hometown of Mesa, AZ, but especially so this year. So, in these moments of sadness, I have often asked myself, "what am I doing with my life" and "where am I going with my life?" The answers never come and that is okay. I know there are no real answers to those broad kinds of questions. One just has to live them out in his or her own way. All these thoughts and emotions have made me overly self-conscious about the use of my time. This awareness has come to the point of becoming an irritating hindrance to how I can utilize my time. Rrrgh! The one thing I have discovered that takes away that burdensome edge is to have zero expectations of my days or for my life. I have found that when I really am savoring moments with the ones I love or with a hobby or pursuit I enjoy, my days feel very well-lived. Life is really simple and, like everything else, I have a chronic habit of complicating it.

In the memory of my guitar instructor and mentor and in the spirit of this wonderfully gorgeous and warm spring, I have been inspired to continue my pursuit of simplicity and wholeheartedness in my life. There are personal ways that I employing this,one of which is spending more time journaling, a life-time practice of mine that has been especially sporadic in the past couple years. Journaling is such a healthy way to process through thoughts and emotions and I never find myself outgrowing my need for it. So, here's to more days with my journal! Thus, this has led me to bring my blogging days to an end. There are several reasons for this:
1. Time. Less time on the computer, more time doing things I love. I like using my IG as a little mini-blog to document my days and share, but even that I am learning I need to scale back on. I usually post the exact same, condensed updates on my IG and FB so it helps to not have to think about another platform, like blogging, to keep updating, especially since blogging is more verbose.
2. No one really cares. Well, except for my closest family and friends. Okay, perhaps that sounds odd to put it so bluntly, but come on! We all know it's true! Personally, for me, I have started to see what a waste of effort and time it is to spend, literally, all day blogging my life updates from the past month. I can share these with my loved ones in a more condensed, faster form.
3. Opinions. There are topics that I would like to be part of a narrative on, but the internet doesn't seem like a reasonable platform to discuss with others, at least not publicly. This is why I mainly only update on just my life or non-controversial topics. But I do have a mind. I have thoughts, opinions, questions, and ponderings. Yet, I feel like much of what is in me is completely unpopular and unlikable with the current, more favored social/cultural climate right now (sorry-not-sorry, world!). That is why I feel like it is wiser to pull back and just not even bother adding to the mix of billions of voices on the internet. All the noise on current issues and politics already irritates the crap out of me and puts me in a totally sour mood. Just sayin'!

In this day and age of instant access to people and information, I keep finding in myself a desire for a more simple and quiet life. I am not as extreme as to throw out my cell phone and all technology, for those things have their benefits. However, I am trying to be mindful and wise of how I do use technology. Life is a constant process of learning balance in everything and I am trying to be a better student of it.

So, in summary, I am just scaling back on unnecessary things. I will continue to take many photos and share parts of my life via IG and FB, but with the goal of using less words or less of my very long-winded inner world of emotions and ponderings. hehe! ;) I hope to be more intentional about cultivating my inner world through extensive journaling, continued quality family/friend time, and my personal practice of photography and songwriting.
Goodbye, blogging world!

Sunday, February 26, 2017

February days

Ah, February. These days have been simple, predictable, and ordinary. It's the first time we've celebrated our anniversary in quiet and calm with no massive changes or burdens looming over us. While I always have a mind that is looking ahead, I have relished this gift of monotonous days that we have experienced this month. It's been rewarding to just come home from work to each other, fix a meal, and savor these undisturbed, introverted evenings.

We celebrate our four years of marriage by splurging at a local Asian spot, East by Southwest. Ah, my! The fresh sushi, pad thai, and housemade kombucha there were incredibly satisfying!

Staying true to our anniversary tradition, we took a short ride north of Durango to snap our 4-year photo! We were able to find a quiet back road with a view of the mountains behind us.

Of course, what's a celebration without tea, gluten-free cupcakes, and Kalanchoe blooms from my husband?

A sweet photo of our cat...just because!

There were lots of celebrations this February, one of them being my completion of the Pyramid Plus course at the Early Childhood Council of La Plata County. This was the last class I needed under my belt for my preschool teaching certification and, let me tell you, it felt so rewarding to check this off my list! The early childhood field is so fascinating to me and I have learned a great deal about the early years of development. While my focus has surrounded the care and teaching of 2 year-olds, it's really wonderful to have been given a thorough education on infancy - 5 years from these required courses. I have my incredible boss to thank for the education, experience, and opportunities I have been given here! Although the early childhood field is very hard and exhausting work, I am deeply grateful for the past year and a half that I have worked at this preschool and the opportunities that have been given to me through my job. Also, I am thankful for all this education and hands-on experience because I will  need it for when I decide to enter motherhood in the future. I already feel more like a natural around babies. ^_^

And, this past week, I turned 28. It's weird. I don't really know what to think about being in my late twenties. A part of me feels incredibly rushed to make a baby, to complete one of my several creative endeavors, etc...but, I'm like, nah! I want to enjoy this season simply as I am. It's the first time in two years that I have been free from chronic pain and anxiety. It's also the first time in over five years that I have felt generally happy and thankful and at peace in my life. So, I tell myself, don't rush this. Babies will come and goals and accomplishments will be met. For now, I am in a place to enjoy the slow and steady pulses of my simple life.

Nolan took me out to a local restaurant, Carvers, and then some local ice-cream at Cream Bean Berry. I loved every bite!

What's a birthday celebration without gluten-free vanilla cupcakes topped with buttercream frosting? I am not ashamed that I devoured four of these! Kudos to Natural Grocers, my absolute favorite grocery stop!


Ah, these four years past...what a wild ride! I couldn't have even imagined the whirlwind of life that has happened in these early years of my marriage. I close with a poem below that I discovered last year. It struck me with its exquisite candor and I couldn't have found any truer words written in regards to love and marriage.

The Truelove

There is a faith in loving fiercely
the one who is rightfully yours
especially if you have
waited years and especially
if part of you never believed
you could deserve this
loved and beckoning hand
held out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now
and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are
worthy of in this world.

Years ago in the Hebrides
I remember an old man
who walked every morning
on the grey stones
to the shore of baying seals

who would press his hat
to his chest in the blustering
salt wind and say his prayer
to the turbulent Jesus
hidden in the water

and I think of the story
of the storm and everyone
waking and seeing
the distant
yet familiar figure
far across the water
calling to them
and how we are all
preparing for that
abrupt waking,
and that calling,
and that moment
we have to say yes,
except it will
not come so grandly
so Biblically
but more subtly
and intimately in the face
of the one you know
you have to love

so that when
we finally step out of the boat
toward them, we find
everything holds
us, and everything confirms
our courage, and if you wanted
to drown you could,
but you don't
because finally
after all this struggle
and all these years
you don't want to any more
you've simply had enough
of drowning
and you want to live and you
want to love and you will
walk across any territory
and any darkness
however fluid and however
dangerous to take the
one hand you know
belongs in yours.

// David Whyte, from The House of Belonging //

Friday, February 10, 2017

Four Years

Our fourth year of marriage began roughly. Circumstances were such that we were inundated with many unexpected and difficult decisions. These things were taxing on each of us personally and even moreso on our marriage. There was a point when we just released our inability to change the circumstances, as well as our inability to alter our own hearts and mind towards each other. It felt like it put our lives on an unhappy and exhausted standstill. Then, spring unfolded and, with it, came a peace. A genuine peace. Not a temporary calm, but an assurance in our hearts that the trial we just walked through, as well as the many ones before that and the ones far off on the horizon, are given to serve us, to humble us, to change us. It is a frightening thing to be humbled and to face the reality that you can or will be changed. And, yet, that is the very thing our Creator comes to do. Not with rough hands and a grim demeanor, but He does so as a Father who beams with delight with just one glance at His children and then, patiently, gently, but reverently, begins the work of refining, which we, as most children do in the smallness of our minds, perceive as unfair, harsh, or controlling. But to receive His wisdom is the only path to lasting freedom and joy. Freedom is choosing to trust the finished work of Christ as presently and always relevant to every step of our human journey, and to trust Who God says He is and who He says we are (He names and gives us our identity), not who we or others think or say He is or as we regard ourselves. Those small, seemingly feeble steps and choices to trust Him do hurt. They hurt because to trust an invisible God was never meant to be easy for our human faculties. Yet, every weak step is rejoiced over by Him and He never ceases to lavish grace upon grace over us. That describes the months that followed our trials. Ever so slowly, His grace proved sufficient for us. And through that grace, Nolan and I found each other again in the simple, ordinary day-to-day activities of life. It was nothing grand or miraculous that occurred to reverse the shadowed moments to a suddenly light and sweet season. We have been blessed by being humbled and it has, surprisingly to us, all the more deepened our marital love, mutual respect, and care for each other.

It has always been my one passion and objective to be completely transparent about our marriage (in a respectful and discreet manner, of course). Inspired by other couples who have chosen to do the same, it's always been my heart to share not merely for the sake of sharing, but to allow the Gospel of Jesus Christ to be revealed in an ordinary and imperfect marriage. It is never my aim to be perceived or thought of as a couple who has "arrived" at a totally ideal, blissful, and easy marriage that somehow flows harmoniously all the time. Nolan and I are two strong-willed, fiery-spirited humans and what is ever harmonious about two human beings learning to become One in every aspect? I expect that we've yet to face our hardest trials. But, for now, here we are. We've reached the 4 year mark. Such a small number, but one brimming with experiences and learning. I thank my husband today for choosing me, not just on that glorious fairy-tale day four years ago, but now, this day, too.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

2017 beginnings

January was basically winter on full force here in Colorado. It feels like the majority of the days this month were cloudy, dreary, snow-filled, and wet. There was a moment when I actually voiced to my husband that if the dismal weather wouldn't let up soon, I was pretty sure that I'd lose my mind! Thankfully, this past week, sunshiney days broke through and it looks like it will be that way for a good stretch.
 The month began with a visit from my not-so-little brother, Aaron, who I invited to stay with us over a winter weekend so that he could experience some snow for once (we're all Phoenix-Arizona natives). We strolled downtown Durango three different times, spent a day sledding and ice skating in Silverton, ate at some local Durango spots, and spent some nice quality time together. It was such a great way to start the year as I haven't spent that much uninterrupted time with my brother in a long time. It really hit me hard at how much he has grown since I moved away from AZ little over three years ago. Although I have seen him many times since then, it's never been just him and me, so I was able to get more conversational moments with him and get to know my little brother who is now an adult. I can't tell you how strange it is to say that! I still vividly remember him as a newborn and when I first met and held him at the hospital. I also recall those mornings when our mom needed sleep and my sister and I cared for and fed him (while also pretending that he was *our* baby in a little makeshift home we built in the living room, hehe!). Maybe it's too easy to always see the youngest in the family as the baby and to treat them as such. However, it's also really wonderful to see your younger sibling embrace their adulthood sooner than you did. ha! Anyway....on to the photos! The drive up to Silverton offered plenty of epic snowy landscapes that filled us with awe!

Scratch ice-skating on a natural pond off my bucket list! It was an absolute pain and I was terrified almost the entire time, but hey I got pretty good at shuffling and making small glides. My brother and I just kind of played it safe and did what we could to move around on the uneven ice, but my husband had to be a complete jerk and act like the bully and show-off at the rink. haha!

The photos below are from the drizzly Sunday afternoon we spent at The Irish Embassy Pub where a group of local Celtic musicians performed their weekly set of jigs and reels. I *love* Sunday afternoons at the pub for that very reason. Afterwards, we visited a look out point above Durango and I did a little mini photo shoot of my brother. 

It was such a great weekend! ^_^

The week that followed brought a momentous celebration of my husband's 30th birthday! I treated him to a flavorful dinner at the Himalayan Kitchen, where we dined on fresh house-made ice tea (the best!), Chicken Phing (a Tibetan dish!), and deliciously marinated and tandoor-roasted yak, shrimp, and chicken. Have I not mentioned before that Durango has the best restaurants? I die of happiness inside every time. ^_^ Ahem! Back to my husband turning 30...while I don't deem 30s as "old" as some people regard them, I do think of them as a turning point in your age, not really being young but not really being old. haha! Maybe someone in their 60s would disagree with me. However, I also see them as an age or decade where one has the potential to accomplish much due to the growing pains and realizations that came with the 20s. I have great hopes for my husband as he enters his 30s, that he would accomplish a lot for himself and for us. He put down a lot of roots in his 20s by pursuing his career in IT, marrying me, and solidifying his worldview and Christian beliefs. Now comes the season where he can take himself deeper into those areas of his life and nurture those places while continuing to mature in his own character.

Ever since Nolan came into my life, I took up the celebration of him with passion! We have been through many rough spots in our marriage, so many points of revelation at how much he and I differ from each other and the heated emotions that arise from such strong disagreements and opposing viewpoints. I wholeheartedly respected him when he first came into my life and when we began our marriage, but I did not realize that, that respect would be completely remade into an entirely new one after these four years of our young marriage. Now, I respect him as an individual, as one who has carved his own path in life but also one who has been humbled by his Creator. I still absolutely enjoy celebrating my husband, but now I do it not for who I expect him to become or only for those qualities I deem worthy in him, but who he presently is. I began to see the heart of God in the difficulties I have faced living with such a strong-minded, hard-willed, independent man. Before, I saw all the potential of him, all that he could become! Now, I see him for who he is, the flaws and the strengths of character. I share all this with the upmost respect of my husband because he is a man on his own journey and I have become so intimately united with him that I see every detail of him on that path. There are so many things about him that will never jive well in our sensitive, politically-correct, and mob-mentality culture and, I expect, that he will never come across many individuals that will like, respect, or even want to accept someone like him. But that's okay. The diversity in our humanity is such that, sometimes, some of us are left to trail our own paths, even accepting that there are seasons when we must be the "lone ranger" types and do our own things, be our own person, even if others never validate us. With each passing year of our marriage, I sense that the Lord grants me a little more of a detailed peak into why He chose me and Nolan for one another (myself also being a pretty stubborn and strong-minded person who can be fiery and forceful!) Sometimes, I have completely lost sight of that in our hard times together, as to be expected. But in these days when the cloud breaks, I see how far Nolan and I have come in our mutual respect, care, and love for one another. There are so many more years ahead of us for all that to be put through the test again and again, I know. In the meantime, I am learning so much in appreciating my husband now, especially for who he is as a man.

The rest of January after these events was pretty slow. It's difficult for me to practice mindfulness throughout my days when I just want to "get things over with" and "get to the better stuff." Maybe I will always struggle with being mindful and grateful for the simple, slow, everyday. I am so future-oriented, I drive myself insane with plans and lists and goals. I ask myself, "when will I ever learn?!" Then, I'm like, whatever, probably never. I did learn, however, that feeding chickens is a good mindful activity, which I get to do plenty of when I visit my in-laws'. Chickens are hilarious creatures and these particularly ones especially so, considering just how pampered of a lifestyle they live.

 Also, I baked these delicious paleo banana muffins twice recently because I have been craving baked goods. They are the perfect consistency, which is difficult to achieve with a lot of paleo recipes. I ate them with a nice cup of almond milk! Perfect reward after long days at work.

 And recently the thought occurred to me about what an interesting line of work I do. My job is to nurture 2 to 3 years old and teach them regulatory skills of emotional self-management, problem-solving, and social development. I mean, all moms do this, too, but it's
not common that one remains with the same exact age group of children longer than a year. A parent pointed that out to me last year and it really hit me because it is very unusual. 

As I am so very close to completing my last class to become preschool teacher qualified, I have reflected a lot on how different, but very significant this line of work is. I never saw myself doing this as I entered my 20's, but I am incredibly thankful that I was given this opportunity as I have been very disappointed in myself for silly and ignorant decisions I made in college. I always knew I was never wired to take up a line of work that would pay me very well. It's my nature. I'd be a starving artist if I wasn't being a caregiver. :-/ So, while it is exhausting to work with children 5 days a week, I do find that it comes more naturally for me and why I feel capable of meeting the various demands of this work, unlike most job fields I've considered before.

Also, I know no one really cares, but by the beginning of this year I began to consider myself a die-hard fan of Poldark. We will see what season 3 brings, but at the moment I am a fan! My Poldark binge-watching began after suffering in my Outlander drought and wanting some glorious fictional and historical romance to fill the temporary void. Ross Poldark and Demelza are such an interesting fictional mash-up. After much thought and careful research about MBTI cognitive functions, I have realized they are a good example of a (keep in mind, very fictional - so their personalities grow and stretch more than natural!) ESTJ and ISFP pairing, with a particular emphasis on the EST and IFP aspects. And, like Outlander, I so appreciate a good fictional marriage relationship that highlights real marital struggles. It's encouraging to me and I always end up learning so much about my own marriage through these on-screen examples.