Tuesday, November 10, 2015

two moments

Two moments.

They are the only ones that continually affirm and confirm.

My husband's presence, sharpening into focus. His voice, his thoughts, his hands. The one whom I have memorized over and over again. Yet, his uniqueness strikes me in the moments I enter into my existence with him, not distracted by the cares of life or the routine of the day. It's a startling new, yet consistent reminder each and every time. This man, I am called to love. This man, I call husband. This man who six years ago was just a name I had heard of is now mysteriously and intricately bound in me and I in him. We're both tangled up in the disorder of one another's humanity.

In such moments, I know I'll continue to walk any and every path with him. It's a surety, a confidence, a deep-settled purpose that I have in marriage with him. How is it possible to be so terrified of this path and, yet, so brimming with courage to continue this lifelong trek? What changes will we continue to experience? What events will continue to humble us? The questions fall when I consider this...

I wonder, like any human, what is my great purpose here on earth?

Nolan Thomas.
Walking him to Glory.

So every day I am surrounded by the beautiful crying forth of the ideas of God, one of which is you.
// Mary Oliver /

The second moment is one I have re-lived for most of my adult years. I pick up my guitar to strum a tune, to play those old cadences that made up most of my college years. That ordinary moment becomes magical. The vibrations in my fingers as I play seem to connect to my own bodily frequencies. I begin apathetic and, then, within minutes a hidden cry seems to break free from me. All my longings bound up within those melodies that I have played so many times. How did I overlook this before? All I sense within this time frame is me, my guitar, and my Lord Jesus. Everything and everyone else fades from me. I experience a sensation of becoming like a child again, renewed wonder and joy. They aren't necessarily worship tunes that I always play. Some days, it's a Jazz lick from my classics songbook. Other days, I'm finger-picking some traditional Irish tunes. Sometimes, I'm playing those ridiculously romantic love songs I wrote. Each one, whether it's my own creation or the songs that I have carried nearby through the years, is my heart. It's me. How else can I describe it? They unveil my identity, personality, temperament, thoughts, emotions, and eccentric nuances of who I am. When I play these varied songs, I am playing me and I feel a freedom and a release in every note. I can literally feel my Father smiling with me, delighting in me. 

 And for that one moment, while the music plays, you know who you are and everything you wish to be.
// Kellie Elmore //

I don't necessarily need to publicize my songs or make sure my creative skills are being put to use within a church, ministry, or wherever. In the moment I am playing my guitar, my purpose is fulfilled. I erroneously once thought I wanted my skills to be used in a great ministry-type way. I thought I would never be content until that big moment happened. I was waiting all these years for that revelation of my purpose in this. I unexpectedly discovered that purpose has been fulfilled again and again each time I play. I am living it in full color with each string I pluck and every chord and note my fingers form.

I am a big-vision dreamer type of girl, but over the recent year or two I have discovered that part of myself wilting. I couldn't dream anymore. I felt as if I lost that inherent ability forever. I kicked and screamed and refused to accept such a reality! Then, I became really quiet and grieved.

Abba woke me up again.
And He woke me up in these two moments.
He spoke warmly, You are living the dream, My dear one. Come celebrate these moments with Me.

I celebrate with Him in my husband.
I celebrate with Him in the music.

It is tempting to look towards the horizon and wonder what's out there. For 26 years I have waited for that with excitement, awe, fear, and anxiety. I wondered if there was a locked door out there with all the purposes for my existence tucked away behind it. Now I know that my fulfillment is not waiting to be unleashed in one grand moment, but has existed this entire time in each day I am given with my husband and in each song I have collected and written to play. It's a happiness not like fireworks in the sky, but like the babbling of a cheerful brook in a faraway forest.