"The days have been feeling ordinary and fast lately. Every moment that I begin to feel like it's all so dull or too busy, I immediately stop myself. One day, this season will be long gone and I will be pining for the past (as I have usually had a terrible habit of doing) instead of seeking to be present and, in the moment, reflect and grow in self-awareness from the past. Life seems to be passing through my hands lately so I am trying to practice gratitude. Gratitude for my husband and this calm season we have together now to explore our interests and hobbies. Gratitude for the ways we get to serve each other: him offering me a massage after a rough work day; me taking the time to talk out his frustrations with him and seeking to find a simple purpose in our days together. Usually, a cranky attitude will lead us to an engaging conversation to explore our internal processes, allowing them to float into our consciousness without judgement towards each other or ourselves. I like these moments. Revelations and peace abound! May I always remember these days."
These are words I typed on my IG a couple weekends ago. This past month has involved some introspection for me. Much of it has been spurred by the news I received during my recent Phoenix trip of my guitar instructor/mentor's passing last year. I haven't ever experienced a death that near before. While he and I weren't close in the same sense as my relationship with my parents, it was a close enough relationship that I felt comfortable calling or emailing him to meet for lunch on occasions. He directly influenced me for the 9 years I took guitar lessons with him and even after. All this to say, his death really brought near the reality of the brevity of life. With his death, that gap between my childhood and adulthood seems to have further widened. I feel it every time I return to my hometown of Mesa, AZ, but especially so this year. So, in these moments of sadness, I have often asked myself, "what am I doing with my life" and "where am I going with my life?" The answers never come and that is okay. I know there are no real answers to those broad kinds of questions. One just has to live them out in his or her own way. All these thoughts and emotions have made me overly self-conscious about the use of my time. This awareness has come to the point of becoming an irritating hindrance to how I can utilize my time. Rrrgh! The one thing I have discovered that takes away that burdensome edge is to have zero expectations of my days or for my life. I have found that when I really am savoring moments with the ones I love or with a hobby or pursuit I enjoy, my days feel very well-lived. Life is really simple and, like everything else, I have a chronic habit of complicating it.
In the memory of my guitar instructor and mentor and in the spirit of this wonderfully gorgeous and warm spring, I have been inspired to continue my pursuit of simplicity and wholeheartedness in my life. There are personal ways that I employing this,one of which is spending more time journaling, a life-time practice of mine that has been especially sporadic in the past couple years. Journaling is such a healthy way to process through thoughts and emotions and I never find myself outgrowing my need for it. So, here's to more days with my journal! Thus, this has led me to bring my blogging days to an end. There are several reasons for this:
1. Time. Less time on the computer, more time doing things I love. I like using my IG as a little mini-blog to document my days and share, but even that I am learning I need to scale back on. I usually post the exact same, condensed updates on my IG and FB so it helps to not have to think about another platform, like blogging, to keep updating, especially since blogging is more verbose.
2. No one really cares. Well, except for my closest family and friends. Okay, perhaps that sounds odd to put it so bluntly, but come on! We all know it's true! Personally, for me, I have started to see what a waste of effort and time it is to spend, literally, all day blogging my life updates from the past month. I can share these with my loved ones in a more condensed, faster form.
3. Opinions. There are topics that I would like to be part of a narrative on, but the internet doesn't seem like a reasonable platform to discuss with others, at least not publicly. This is why I mainly only update on just my life or non-controversial topics. But I do have a mind. I have thoughts, opinions, questions, and ponderings. Yet, I feel like much of what is in me is completely unpopular and unlikable with the current, more favored social/cultural climate right now (sorry-not-sorry, world!). That is why I feel like it is wiser to pull back and just not even bother adding to the mix of billions of voices on the internet. All the noise on current issues and politics already irritates the crap out of me and puts me in a totally sour mood. Just sayin'!
In this day and age of instant access to people and information, I keep finding in myself a desire for a more simple and quiet life. I am not as extreme as to throw out my cell phone and all technology, for those things have their benefits. However, I am trying to be mindful and wise of how I do use technology. Life is a constant process of learning balance in everything and I am trying to be a better student of it.
So, in summary, I am just scaling back on unnecessary things. I will continue to take many photos and share parts of my life via IG and FB, but with the goal of using less words or less of my very long-winded inner world of emotions and ponderings. hehe! ;) I hope to be more intentional about cultivating my inner world through extensive journaling, continued quality family/friend time, and my personal practice of photography and songwriting.
Goodbye, blogging world!