Tomorrow will be exactly two months since Nolan and I moved to Durango, Colorado. These two months have been filled to the brim: visits to Urgent Care, unpacking, organizing, exploring, weekend trip to Cripple Creek, my family visiting, and starting a new job this past week. I am now officially a preschool teacher aide/substitute for a local Christian school. I simply cannot fathom that it took me one whole year and three months of job searching to finally secure a job. Those who have walked alongside me know the grueling process I went through: the countless applications, the seven interviews followed by seven rejections. Albuquerque is a terrible place to go job hunting and I do not recommend it. I was glad to leave it. Applying and interviewing with no positive results is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is a constant rollercoaster of emotions and I rarely thought positively about myself. Thankfully, that chapter has closed and I am not looking back. Whether I should have or not, I carried that burden every single day of this past year and I became rather embittered about life. While I fully believed that I was capable and had something to offer, it's more difficult when it seems like no one sees the qualities and service that you have to give. The job market and modern methods of interviewing and hiring are in great need of reformation. It is poorly done these days. Thus, it takes a persistence that requires allowing yourself to be stretched far beyond your own capabilities. I have a considerable amount of empathy for those who have so much to offer and, yet, are presently struggling with unemployment or stuck in dead end jobs unable to be hired on by a better place.
Ah, but I won't vent about such things. I am moving forward in small ways and that's all that matters presently.
I would not be honest if I said I don't still struggle with anxiety, restlessness, frustration, loneliness, and bitterness. How does one even recover from such things? I do not know. Knowing Jesus doesn't guarantee a quick fix. He walks you through all of it, that much I know. And I am still shuffling my way through toxic thoughts and emotions, laying each one down at His feet, trying not to hide. My heart know He would never shame me in these struggles. His eyes are adoring and gentle. Yet, I am not always prepared to admit that these are my present ongoing struggles. I shame myself because I could not be who I hoped I could be in the midst of pain and loss. So, I linger in the past and worry about the future. You see, I am still scared. And when I am alone, I am confronted again by my own sadness. He takes my hand. One day at a time. I do not need all the answers, nor do I need to force movement or growth in myself. One day at a time.
I knew I would probably end up working with children for this very reason. When I am around kids (regardless of how disrespectful, irritating, and bratty they are), I see myself in them. I see how small their understanding is and how incapable they are of changing their own faults. I observe how often they fail and how, sometimes, they aren't sorry for their mistakes or wrongdoings at all. I am touched by their vulnerability and realize that they are worth loving, teaching, and guiding. I wonder how often I reflect one of these little ones during their temper tantrums. I know that under the guise of being an adult and having respectable every day responsibilities, I am still just like one of them in relation to my Father. I suppose I might always work with children just to keep these reminders close to heart. Somehow, I feel more capable of patience, gentleness, and grace when I am around them. Even during days when I must be strict and disciplinarian, I return home remembering my own smallness of understanding and child-like vulnerability. I remember that after all the temper tantrums and screaming and disobeying, all is well, all will be well.
My goal is to blog a little more frequently now. I have many ideas, projects, and pursuits that I hope to undertake soon. Lately, I have been finishing up our wedding scrapbook (I vowed to myself that I would complete it before our 3rd anniversary! It's gonna happen, folks!), which has been a sigh of relief to finish up. Now that I have some of my own income, I can begin to add to my photography gear (Yay for finally saving up for that beautiful 50mm f/1.4 lens!), as well as get a start on decorating our apartment and making it feel more personal and home-y. I will, over the months, blog some of these projects and ideas that have been sitting on my Pinterest boards far too long! In addition to this, Nolan and I have been trying to build a schedule or routine for ourselves, to be intentional about our time with each other. Bike rides, homemade desserts, movie night, trying out a delicious new eatery downtown, picnicking at a local lake...these are all just a summary of activities that we've been enjoying with another in our new hometown. I want to remember this season as actively being present with each other.
Despite the recent mining spill in the Animas River (a huge tragedy for the entire Four Corners region!), Colorado is still beautiful. Durango will recover, I hope, from the catastrophe. It will just take time. Lots of time. That's what I try to tell myself when I am in a flurry and attempting to rush through life. Time has been given, however short it may appear, and that time will be enough to heal, to grow, to live, and to be.